Sunday, December 27, 2009

Mentally Exhausted

I usually don't use this blog to write, but I've got no one else to confide in.
Today I'm feeling a strange mix of emotions. I'd say, maybe post traumatic stress stemming from yesterday's uncomfortable Christmas, my perpetual loneliness etc.

My family (aside from my loving grandmother) went from being the kind of people who celebrate diversity and differences and art, to being the kind of people who condemn those kinds of things. All in the span of about six years. Unfortunately, having been raised with the opposite of their new found ideals, I've now been rendered the black sheep of the family. My mother uses every chance she can get to remark about how "weird" I am. Passive comments about my interests, my appearance, my goals etc.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm annoyed?
Because I needed a place to put my thoughts?

People say that works right?

I am. I'm just annoyed, and exhausted.

Mentally exhausted.

Fortunately, I've only got to run into my family about once a year when I fly back to Alaska from Hollywood to visit for Christmas (something I'm not sure I have to stomach to do again). But, every year there seems to be that familiar feeling of stiff, and akward, and arrogant... bullshit.

Also, a relationship I had going isn't turning into what I hoped it might. I've never been in a real relationship before so I'm disappointed about that. I'd love to know what it feels like. I'm not sure this person was cut out for me anyways, as a Libra...I need a lot more than this person can give.


I feel like an asshole even expressing myself. Just more whining from another one of a billion people who have different or similar issues and post long blogs or write in diaries or cry to their best friends or on their facebooks about how they feel, so sad so bad so crab. I wish I could just shut off my emotions in a healthy way, and just be one gorgeous shell with dignity, elegance, and not a care in the world.

I can't be bothered.


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